12 Most Hilariously Failed Attempts At Sexy Album Covers

8008 People Viewed - about 39 months ago

It's a scientific fact that you're more likely to buy something if the advertising features someone you'd like to bone (not include Middle Eastern), be it a Victoria's Secret commercial or the cover of a box of sexy, sexy Cheerios.

The recording industry knows this, but sometimes forgets that not every musician is suitable for the role of sexy cover model. So, we get unintentionally hilarious/horrifying results like...

1.Prince - Lovesexy

Is it just us, or is Prince is the only person who looks less manly when he's not wearing lady clothes? See, this is why Prince is a national treasure who we will deeply miss when he's gone; he's the one man on Earth who has heard the phrase, 

"Hey, buddy, we'd be less uncomfortable over here if you'd put on a ruffled lace shirt and a pair of assless crushed velvet bell bottoms."

2.Tino Fernandez - Por Primera Vez

Has a dude striking this pose ever been considered sexy even once in the history of ever? It's a little known fact that being photographed in this position is actually illegal in 38 states unless you have a mustache, a contract with Playgirl and an 11-inch wang.

We would like to know where we can buy a pair of those shorts though.

3.Cher - Take Me Home

Nothing turns on a man like metal lingerie that, by our count, has 13 different points capable of tearing open your scrotum if she makes an unexpected move.

4.Kevin Rowland – My Beauty 

There are hundreds of words to describe this sleeve. Sexy ain't one of them.

5.Trina - Da Baddest Bitch

The guy’s clearly in trouble, Trina. No time for such a pose.

6.Ted Nugent - Love Grenade (Pre-release)

Shortly after taking this picture, Ted Nugent was shot and killed by Clarice Starling. And just what the hell is a "love grenade" anyway? It's just a regular grenade, isn't it, Ted? ISN'T IT!?

7.Whitensnake - Lovehunter

There's a lot going on in this album cover, and all of it is awesome. But what you can't see is what happened moments later. 

The snake actually got this woman pregnant. Nine months later, she gave birth to a full-size 1978 Ford Econoline Van with an airbrushed picture of a Viking riding a fire breathing dragon through the night sky on the side of it.

8.Cerrone - Cerrone's Paradise

Fridges: not the most traditionally sexy items to drape yourself over. But…actually, no, it’s not here, either.

9.HOT R.S. - Forbidden Fruit

What's more disgusting than finding a worm in your apple? Biting into it and finding two tiny people boning.

10.Jim Post - I Love My Life

I’m sure you do love your life, Jim, with a ‘tache like that. Just leave it off an album cover..

11.Madonna - Hard Candy

Look, we think it's bullshit that the mass media has decided that women over 30 can't be attractive without extensive surgery. 

But Madonna was 49-freaking-years old when this picture was taken, and dammit, that is past the time when you should be shoving your lycra-covered crotch into the camera. There have to be more dignified ways to show off your mature sexuality. Your grandchildren should not have to see grandma spread-eagle in lace-up boots.

12.Scorpions – Lovedrive

Bubblegum never has been and never will be sexy.

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